NEW THREAT LEVELS
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to
“Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
“Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit
Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody
Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get
the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France
are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to
“Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective
Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance”
to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two
higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes
on all of their allies “just in case”.
Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”.
Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level
of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to
“She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain:
“Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and
“The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.